Monday, March 14, 2011

Being an adult

I think that sometimes I let a lot of things slide. Things that mean something to me, things that I realize that I deserve and should ask for. But I let them slide, and instead make excuses for others. For why they didn't treat me right, for why they didn't do what they were supposed to, for why they let me down. This is true both personally and in law school. In my head, I excuse the behaivor away, and that's not good. I know what I deserve in relationships. I do, I know that. But I excuse away why I don't get it, why I have to make and force plans with anger and disappointment, why I have to make all the moves, when in the beginning, I was the reluctant one. I'm so tired of making excuses, and not living up to what I deserve. I mean, why settle? I know that my expectations can be sky high, I've always been that way. But really, right now, my expectations are not that high, they're at bare minimum, and I'm dealing with getting even less. And I really really dislike it right now. I understand that there are reasons why what's happening is happening and I probably need to hang on a bit longer, but I'm becoming frustrated with waiting. Really freakin' frustrated. All of the time. And today, I came to school, and I sat at a table, and I did the monster contracts reading, and I prepared myself for class. And I walked into class understanding the material, knowing the cases (as much as I can anyway), and feeling good about it. And that's the way that I want to feel with relationships too. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I really, really can't believe that that's too much. I'm at the end of my rope. And it's been a long, long, long rope. With lots of chances, and lots of disappointment. There's been some really awesome and good moments, too, and I can't fail to acknowledge those. The lows are low, but the highs, are so very freaking high and awesome.

So, that's what's going on in my life. I have 6 weeks left of my first year of law school. It's about to ramp up and become intense and incredibly hard again very quickly. I can handle it, it's what I do. But that's just what's a-goin' on me with me. :) Happy second half of the semester.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011